Snack-o-Scopes: Holiday 2018

by Kate Messinger

Tis’ the season to binge on leftovers, take out,  and your relatives’ freaky fridge finds. Let the stars guide your sign to the holiday snack you crave. 


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AQUARIUS: Old Kale Salad

Despite your great judgment for choosing friends and outfits, you have questionable taste in food, my airy friend. After spending the holidays getting tipsy with ones that won’t give you a panic attack (good choice!), you want something light and nourishing (weird choice!), and go for that slightly wilted kale the vegan left (concerning choice!). But, as with everything else in your life, you dress the bitch out of a bitter situation and somehow, your kale salad turns out delicious.

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PISCES: Tuna Melt

What an emotional time! Well, it’s always emotional for you, my lil’ Pisces, but the holidays are prime time for eating our feelings with the ones we love most. A homemade tuna melt satisfies your sea-tooth while that melty cheese makes you feel right at home wherever you are, and serves as a great base for soaking up tears during the It’s a Wonderful Life marathon.

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ARIES: A Glazed Ham

Leave it to #Aries to make everyone else look like a cheap slacker, but if this firey do-it-all is eating snacks, she’s making a fucking feast. Competitive and filled with energy, you’re making a full-on glazed ham while having convos with all the guests, polishing Nana’s silverware, and nursing someone’s baby - all the while never breaking a sweat. Who are you? Nigella fucking Lawson? (But seriously look up her glazed ham recipe, it’s orgasmic.)

 
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TAURUS: Cheese Plate

Lover of food and romance, you know the best snack is always the most simple. A decedent cheese plate is always you jam (fig jam, of course), and you know how to stay grounded and gorgeous with your choices. A Humboldt fog, a creamy Brie, a perfect sized ramekin of fancy olives - you’re not showing off, but you are doing everything perfectly. Plus, you’re the only one I know who owns a real cheese knife.

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GEMINI: Leftover Chinese and Pickles 

Life of the party, you’re most likely getting your snack on late at night while half-naked, stoned, and blasting Wham’s holiday album. The open fridge is really speaking to you, and never one to want to let anyone down, you choose the leftover chow mein and the Klausen's pickles, and eat them jubilantly over the sink. You are, at heart, an equal opportunist snacker.

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CANCER - Seven Layer Dip

You, loyal Cancer, are deep, multifaceted, complicated, and hard to get to - just like the untouched bottom layer of guacamole in a Seven Layer Dip. You are the best of the best, but you have been smothered by all the gross dips on top of you. But, like your meta-existence, this time-consuming snack is all you want to binge on during these holiday gatherings. You are perfectly content sitting in a corner armed with sharp tortilla chips, digging desperately for the bottom well of delicious green gold, waiting for someone to notice your worth. 

 
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LEO - Ice Cream Sunday

A fire-y fighter and powerful leader, when you snack, you give it your all and never look back. Unlike your ego, your fridge is always empty, but making an impression on a whim is your forte. Just a few swipes and you’ve got a delivery from Whole Foods at your door featuring an entire Ice Cream Sundae spread, served royally in spit-shined silver dishes. Extra it may be, but unforgettable you are not. 

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VIRGO - Nuts

Productivity is your middle name, and even during the holidays, you’re working a mile a minute. You’re one of those health freaks that thinks of food as fuel, fuel as money, and money as power - so you’re popping high protein nuts all day long to keep you going strong. Why don’t you give yourself a treat, virile Virgo, and try some chocolate covered almonds or a nut-milk holiday flavored latte? As you always say: you are what you eat. But you don’t need to be nuts about it.

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LIBRA - Hamburger Helper

Scrounging around your pantry, starving, you are suddenly confronted with your worst fear - too many decisions. You could go with Mac and Cheese, but what about the no-carb diet you were going to start? There’s an old kale salad left by an Aries roommate, but no, you are much too loyal to take her snack without asking. Somehow, you end up eating that one thing you didn’t really want but picked purely because of its kind-natured name and aesthetically pleasing box. You, like your Hamburger Helper, are the most reliable treat we know.

 
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SCORPIO - Domino’s Pizza Delivery

You’ve attended all your holiday parties, small-talked the shit out of your co-workers and relatives, and given love/family/work/snack advice to all your friends. Now it’s time to do what you do best: go to bed with your faithful lover...Domino’s delivery. Sure, you’ve sowed your oats with fancier pies, but this thick and gooey staple knows what you like and gives you consistent satisfaction every time. Plus, they’ll deliver right to your room if you leave them a key.


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SAGITTARIUS - 100 calorie Pack of Mini Cheez-Its

Is it this time of the year or is Sagittarius never in one place for more than a few minutes? Whether it’s party hopping or finishing up work by the new year, you’ve got the energy to accomplish more things in one day than most of us can do in a whole year. Luckily, your go-to snack, a 100 calorie pack of mini Cheez-Its, can be found at any bodega or subway kiosk and is cute enough to go with all your holiday outfits. Plus, there are always leftovers in your molars to feed yourself when you finally get home and collapse on your floor.

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CAPRICORN -  Holiday Cookies From Scratch

If you have holiday anxiety, you capricious ram, the only way you show it is by the epic brilliance of your holiday party planning. It’s as if you killed Martha Stewart with her spatula, absorbed the soul of her premiere hosting abilities, and baked her into a thousand delicate buttercream holiday cookies with perfect piping to give as party favors to all your friends (and their entire family). Just don’t accidentally eat your fingers while stuffing the leftovers in your mouth once everyone leaves.