Snack-o-Scopes: Summer 2019

by
Kate Messinger

Did anyone ever ask you: If you were an ice cream flavor what would you be? Was it your crush at camp? Was it a Tinder date after you ran out of things to talk about? Was it me at a Summer Solstice party wearing a tunic? Check your Moon and Rising, find your flavor, and get to licking.  


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Aries - Birthday Cake
At 13 my first job was working at Cold Stone Creamery, where the employees must use their young girl arm muscles to mix bizarre sweets into already sweet ice cream on a frozen “stone”. An employee is also required to sing ice cream themed songs when tipped ANY AMOUNT. There was someone who came in every week and ordered “Birthday Cake Surprise,” the hardest ingredients to mix, and tipped a dime–insisting it was his birthday and we should sing “for he’s a jolly good Cold Stone”. Every. Single. Week. I have no doubt this person was an Aries. 

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Taurus - Pistachio
You’re strong. You’re bold. You're unique. And let’s face it, you’re not everyone's flavor. But those who get you, really get you. You’re crunchy and creamy and ready to take on the world. And of course, you’re persuasive as hell. So don’t let people get away with judging you without taking a taste first. 

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Gemini - McDonald’s Swirl Cone
Look, your taste may be questionable, but when it comes to satisfying your unquenchable urge for stimulation (through sugar, social gatherings, a true-crime documentary, etc), a fresh Micky D’s swirl cone is your go-to. You like to have a taste of both worlds, even if they taste kind of the same when you really think about it. You like the consistency of the swirl paired with the spontaneity of the big D crowd. And most of all, you love the thrill of defending McDonald's to all the haters (even though you’d happily choose a Shake Shack swirl instead). 

 
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Cancer - Homemade Strawberry Popsicles
Cancer! You shouldn’t have! You invited us all over on to your beautiful patio filled with plants and crystals and chia pets and you served us fresh, homemade strawberry popsicles each with its own little popsicle drip catcher! You’re one of those loyal friends who we don’t mind is a home-body because you always invite us over to your air conditioning, you always have ample snacks, and you always share your sweetness. 

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 Leo - Coffee
Strong-willed, driven, and perfectly capable of being a single scoop, you give us all an addictive buzz we can’t get enough of. It’s no coincidence you are the quintessential astrological flavor of prime Summer, giving us the boost to live boldly, the confidence to feel the feels, and the courage to follow our over-stimulated hearts where ever they take us...even if it’s to the emergency room. 

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Virgo - Acai Fro-Yo
Seriously Virgo? Did you really have to take us on a 45 minutes detour to your favorite organic vegan keto fro-yo spot, instead of just getting regular ice cream at the regular ice cream place? Did you really have to explain the inner workings of how to reach ketosis and maintain optimal productivity mode while we were walking there? Did you really have to ask the vegan fro-yo employee to go over the ingredients again, and prove there was no dairy because dairy makes you gassy and now everyone knows? I guess you did. And as per usual, you were fucking right. This acai double scoop is actually delicious. And I do feel a boost of clean energy. So much energy that I’m taking a cab home without your productive ass.

 
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Libra - Neapolitan 
People really underestimate Neapolitan ice cream. Beautiful. Dynamic. Parisian. All-accommodating. It’s the perfect three-in-one flavor for the most indecisive of Libras, but also holds ample opportunity for sharing with all your different types of friends. So next time you're standing there in the frozen foods section with the door open, letting all the ice cream melt along with your confidence - go with your gut, choose the chocolate-vanilla-strawberry block, and make your own hilarious Neapolitan fingering memes (Google it) from the comfort of your own home.

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Scorpio - Dark Chocolate Brownie
Dark. Mysterious. A little bitter. No, you’re not giving it all up in one bite. There are some sexy little sweet chunks inside you but everyone knows we gotta work to get them. You teach us to really dig in when we know there’s something worth digging for. To not be afraid to get a little dirty. To embrace the dark and find the perfect bite that hits the spot.

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Sagittarius -  Mint Chip
Hold up, this is not your average, plebeian, Baskin-Robins-toothpaste-and-cardboard mint chip. You have CLASS. You have TASTE. Your mint chip is real mint with real chocolate, served in a real waffle cone by a really attractive person. Because you are cool. You are real. And you are 100% THAT BITCH. 

 
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Capricorn - French Vanilla

Whoever said vanilla is boring is wrong and has most likely been thoroughly lectured by you...and probably with corresponding pie charts and poll data. Not only is French vanilla classic, it’s also fucking classy. FV makes everything around it look good, yet is somehow also extremely memorable on its own. And according to the 2020 census, it’s highly underrated. Sound like anyone we know?










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Aquarius -  Coconut Popsicles
Change is hard, Aquarius! You promised yourself a lot of things this Summer, like going outside and cutting yourself off from Reddit. But now you’re back to your old ways of locking yourself in your cool apartment making chainmail necklaces, eating coconut popsicles, and falling down a black hole of ASMR slime videos. Don’t beat yourself up about it! Your consistency is why we love you, and you don’t need to try new flavors just to fit in. We’ll be right there with you until you finally leave your apartment for Ren Faire. 

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Aquarius -  Coconut Popsicles
Change is hard, Aquarius! You promised yourself a lot of things this Summer, like going outside and cutting yourself off from Reddit. But now you’re back to your old ways of locking yourself in your cool apartment making chainmail necklaces, eating coconut popsicles, and falling down a black hole of ASMR slime videos. Don’t beat yourself up about it! Your consistency is why we love you, and you don’t need to try new flavors just to fit in. We’ll be right there with you until you finally leave your apartment for Ren Faire.